Decadence And Disorder
by Brianna Ellis
I watch as he picks up the knife
I still don't move an inch
He looks me in the eyes before he makes his move
He proceeds to begin cutting
Above my ring and below my knuckle
Starting with the love one first
I feel the knife move back and forth on my skin
It still doesn't hurt
He reaches the bone, and I can now hear the sharp gristens of the steady movement
Still, I remain quiet and intrigued
The knife hits the table below my hand and my finger falls to the floor
Now that we have a good starting point, he cuts a beautiful line
Bone deep
From the top of my fingerless knuckle, all the way up my arm
He stops right before he reaches my shoulder
I still don't feel an ounce of pain
He is making me beautiful
He begins another stroke, right where he left off
He makes a circle all the way around my arm
The blade finishes where it begun
And continues another straight line, tracing over my collar bones
And leaving small imprints on the calcium
He continues to do a pattern on my other arm
To match the one he started with
I sit patiently awaiting myself
He finishes with a line that completely circles the bottom of my neck
And has a line that comes up to my earlobes on both sides
He puts the blade down and motions for me to stand up
I do
He sticks both of his hands in the slit on my right arm, and grasps the bone as he peels my skin off like a cuff or sleeve
He pulls it all the way down, and then slips it past my remaining fingers
My bone is revealed, and its crevices finish dripping red
Darkness is revealed in the crevices that use to hold life
He continues to pull the sleeve off of my other arm
And then reaches up to grab the skin on my collar bones
He pulls it down to my waist, revealing my rib cage and a pierced, blue and barely beating heart
He lays his skeleton hand on it and then looks directly into my eyes
Sadness and compassion
The moment fades, and he retreats behind me
I can feel him slowly rip away at the flesh on my back
He comes back into sight and gets on his knees and pulls all of the remaining skin down to my feel like a pair of pants
I fall back into the chair and raise my feet for him to take it the rest of the way off
All of my blood has drained away from my face, onto the brown mesh floor
My organs have toppled out over my pelvic cage
My frozen heart stays in place, though
He left my face alone upon my request
I would like to still be able to be identified
My blood has drained through the floor, and my skin was tossed into acid
He presents me with my finger that now has adhesive at the end of it
He sticks it back into place, and that is the only thing that hurt during this whole process
He caresses my heart again and then cradles me and lays his head on my should
I lean against him, and I fall straight to the floor, face first
He isn't there
Because he is me
And I am a she
So I was always alone
And I did this to myself
I step on the scale that's a few feet away from me
The number doesn't move at all
I am weightless
I step off and begin to cry slow burning tears
I fall to my knees
And then my bones begin to crumble
I turn to dust
I watch as he picks up the knife
I still don't move an inch
He looks me in the eyes before he makes his move
He proceeds to begin cutting
Above my ring and below my knuckle
Starting with the love one first
I feel the knife move back and forth on my skin
It still doesn't hurt
He reaches the bone, and I can now hear the sharp gristens of the steady movement
Still, I remain quiet and intrigued
The knife hits the table below my hand and my finger falls to the floor
Now that we have a good starting point, he cuts a beautiful line
Bone deep
From the top of my fingerless knuckle, all the way up my arm
He stops right before he reaches my shoulder
I still don't feel an ounce of pain
He is making me beautiful
He begins another stroke, right where he left off
He makes a circle all the way around my arm
The blade finishes where it begun
And continues another straight line, tracing over my collar bones
And leaving small imprints on the calcium
He continues to do a pattern on my other arm
To match the one he started with
I sit patiently awaiting myself
He finishes with a line that completely circles the bottom of my neck
And has a line that comes up to my earlobes on both sides
He puts the blade down and motions for me to stand up
I do
He sticks both of his hands in the slit on my right arm, and grasps the bone as he peels my skin off like a cuff or sleeve
He pulls it all the way down, and then slips it past my remaining fingers
My bone is revealed, and its crevices finish dripping red
Darkness is revealed in the crevices that use to hold life
He continues to pull the sleeve off of my other arm
And then reaches up to grab the skin on my collar bones
He pulls it down to my waist, revealing my rib cage and a pierced, blue and barely beating heart
He lays his skeleton hand on it and then looks directly into my eyes
Sadness and compassion
The moment fades, and he retreats behind me
I can feel him slowly rip away at the flesh on my back
He comes back into sight and gets on his knees and pulls all of the remaining skin down to my feel like a pair of pants
I fall back into the chair and raise my feet for him to take it the rest of the way off
All of my blood has drained away from my face, onto the brown mesh floor
My organs have toppled out over my pelvic cage
My frozen heart stays in place, though
He left my face alone upon my request
I would like to still be able to be identified
My blood has drained through the floor, and my skin was tossed into acid
He presents me with my finger that now has adhesive at the end of it
He sticks it back into place, and that is the only thing that hurt during this whole process
He caresses my heart again and then cradles me and lays his head on my should
I lean against him, and I fall straight to the floor, face first
He isn't there
Because he is me
And I am a she
So I was always alone
And I did this to myself
I step on the scale that's a few feet away from me
The number doesn't move at all
I am weightless
I step off and begin to cry slow burning tears
I fall to my knees
And then my bones begin to crumble
I turn to dust
