A Mother To Forget

by Jillian Flatt

It´s like coming and going as she pleased.

Taking all the good memories you had with her.

It´s like telling you she loves you but not enough to stay.

It´s like still crying sometimes because she is gone for good

but you don´t cry for her anymore,

You cry for you.

It´s like pretending that it is okay that all your friends have cool moms

But yours was just way too cool- way to sick to say.

It´s being the mother she never was.

To not only your siblings but to yourself.

you have to be there for yourself even when you don´t want to be

It´s like needing to be okay with it but not knowing how.

The bridge hasn´t been built to cross and maybe you don´t want to cross it.

Maybe you don´t want to forget

You Remember the last time you saw her living.

Heart still beating but her mind not working quite right.

Slouching over in the passenger seat of the van

Like something was holding her down

The pills holding her down.

Terrified.

You didn´t know how to react

Shallow breaths cutting your throat like a dull knife.

She was unaware.

Unaware that her taco bell was falling into her lap

Unaware that you wanted to fall into her lap too

Crying until she was okay- until she was no longer sick.

Apologies she cried still ring in your ear

Reminding you of the memory you will never forget.

You remember not being able to tell her that you forgive her.

Forgive her for ruining you

For not loving you as much as she loved those goddamned pills

You remember the last time you saw her.

And you pray to God that you forget.

The sadness she made you feel is like a sea of remembrance

Never letting you forget that she didn´t stay.

Drowning in the wreckage that she helped create

From scrap parts and terrible memories

Living off the lies you tell youself

Somehow you stay afloat

Swimming in a sea of things you can´t seem to forget.