This is Who I Was, Not Who I am
By Seattle FunderburkI want to look in the mirror and be happy with who I am.
Instead I have to silence my demons,
because they rage at me through that bathroom mirror.
They scream " No one will ever love you. Cant you see that?"
I see what they want me too see.
All the names I've ever been called run through my head every time I see my reflection.
I scream "This is who I was, not who I am." But, the demons don't believe me.
I see my bones starting to show.
Everyone ask why Im so thin.
Its scary watching the numbers on a scale never stop going down.
Its like watch your bank account go dry after to many purchases.
I always ask my self " is this depression?".
Even though everyone sees that Im happy.
They say to just remember there is people worse then you.
But those people are strong and can handle it.
I feel like just a corpse walking across this hell.
I walk through the halls.
Dysphoria overwhelming me.
I dont belong here.
I belong anywhere else but here.
Only sanity here is a girl even more depressed than me.
And when shes not here loneliness takes her place.
Loneliness carves her name deep into my arms.
I hate the feeling of her, but yet shes all I have.
I guess shes really all I need.
Always locked in my room.
They think Im always sleeping.
They wonder why Im always so tired.
Its because Im up all night thinking,
I think about every mistake I've ever made.
I think how no body will never love me.
I think about how who I am is not who I was.
I think about nothing.
No one is going to love these scars.
How could anyone look at me with compassion.
I am nothing.
I trust hate over love.
Why can't I love myself?
How can someone hate themself so much.
Everytime I see myself In the mirror I feel like slamming my head against the glass.
A broken reflection is better then the one I see.
Im in love with her, but I can never expect her to love me back.
Look at me.
Im a monster, no one needs me.
Us being together would be hell.
She couldnt, never could.
I wouldnt either.
No love.
If you dont love your self how do you expect other people to.
One day shell send me a letter.
I wish it was a post card of a place id never been.
Dreams of us being together fade away.
Thoughts of her name flood my brain.
I cant handle being me.
I want to be great.
I want to be loved.
They compare me to people ive never met.
They say Ill never be like people ive never heard of.
I cant except this feeling.
A feeling of disappointment.
2nd place is always the first loser.
And i will never win.
Cant they see?
I try so hard to be something they want.
Im not this person.
This fake face.
I hate the skin Im in.
And all I want is her.
I hate my self.
I hate myself for loving her.
