Heil Honey I'm Home

By: Jeffrey Meyers


     “Heil honey I’m home!” Adolf Hitler exclaimed while walking into his apartment. “I have great news, Eva!”
     “Oh no, you’re not hosting Neville Chamberlain again, are you?” Adolf Hitler’s wife Eva Braun asked.
     “No, not again. Not after what happened last time,” Adolf said.
     “Great! So we aren’t having anyone over?” Eva asked.
     “Oh we are! We’re hosting Mussolini and Hirohito!”
     “Again?” Eva asked. “Do you remember what happened last time we hosted Mussolini? You got so mad!”
     “Well, it was the Goldsteins! We should have locked the door, then Rosa couldn’t come in! Actually, that’s what I’ll do this time! Lock the door!”
     “So why are you going to have the guys over this time? Oh, no, Adolf! Did you finally invade Poland! I told you that would be trouble, but you never listen to me, now do you?”
     “No, Eva, it’s not that! I’m getting the band back together!”
     “You had a band?”
     “Of course I did! We called ourselves Fuhrer Hitler’s Lonely Dictators Band!”

(Commercial break) 

     “Welcome back to Germany, guys!” Adolf told. “It’s been so long!”
     “Yes, yes it has,” Hirohito agreed. “So why did we come over? Ooh, I think I know why!  Are we finally invading Russia?”
     “No,” Adolf replied, “Guess again!”
     “Are we invading France?” Mussolini asked.
     “No, guess again!”
     “We’re invading America?” Hirohito asked.
     “Well, kind of,” Adolf replied.
     “Are we invading Hawaii?” Hirohito asked. “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii!”
     “No, but we’re invading the American music industry! We’re getting the band back together!” Adolf informed. “Think, we can be the biggest thing to happen to the American scene since Glenn Miller!”
     “Really,” Mussolini asked. “You think we can be as famous as Glenn Miller?”
     “Oh, we can be even more famous!” Adolf said. “We were good!”
     Mussolini asked, “You really think we can be more famous than Glenn Miller? We don’t even have a drummer, or is Stalin coming?”
     “No, I decided it would be best without Stalin. He could never keep a steady tempo. And, I think the band wouldn’t last too long after we invade Russia.”
     “So we are going to invade Russia?” Hirohito asked.
     “Not now, probably after Poland we can start thinking about that,” Adolf explained. “But now, we can do the band.”
     Mussolini reminded, “But we don’t have a drummer.”
     Suddenly, they heard a knock on the door. “I’ll get it,” Hitler said. He walked across the apartment and opened the door. On the other side was standing Arnie Goldstein.
     “I heard you need a drummer,” Arnie said. “I can drum.”
     “Okay, you’re in,” Hirohito said.
     “Nein! Nein! Nein! Nein! Nein!” Adolf shouted, “We are not letting Arnie Goldstein in the band!”
     “We’ll take a vote,” Hirohito suggested. “I say we let him in and you don’t. What do you think Mussolini?”
     “I say we should let him in the band,” Mussolini voted. “We really need a drummer.”
     “Okay, we’ll let him in, but I’m not happy about it!” Adolf conceded, “Well let’s get practicing.”
     “So, what should we play first?” Mussolini asked. “Here Comes the Imperial Japanese SunInvading the USSR, The Long and Winding Autobahn, or I Saw Poland Standing There?”
     “How about we sing A Day in The Life of a Dictator?” Adolf suggested. They agreed, and Adolf started singing, “I read the news today, oh boy, about a lucky fuhrer who made the grade. And while the news made me rather glad, well I just had to laugh, I was in the photograph. I saw a film today, oh boy. The English army had just won the war. I laughed, knowing this couldn’t possibly happen.”
     Arnie stopped Adolf dead in his tracks. “That last line didn’t seem to flow. I think we need to revise that song.”
     “Oh what do you know?” Adolf asked, infuriated, “You’re just the drummer! How about you sing a song, Arnie?!”
     “Okay, do you have any for me?” Arnie asked. “I can sing it.” Mussolini handed him some music, and he looked over it. Arnie started singing, “We all live in a German U-boat, a German U-boat, a German U-boat. We all live in a German U-boat, a German U-boat, a German U-boat.” He stopped singing. “This song seems quite repetitive. I don’t like it.”
     “Well, isn’t that too bad,” Adolf said, quite mad. “Aren’t you just the music expert?!”
     “Yes, I know I’m very good,” Arnie said, oblivious to Hitler’s anger toward him.
     “You know what, just leave, all of you leave,” Hitler ordered. “The band’s not going to happen! We can meet again when we discuss America, but Arnie, I never want to see you again!”
     “Well, isn’t that a little harsh, Adolf?” Arnie asked.
     “OUT!” Hitler shouted. “LEAVE! WE’RE DONE!”

(End of episode)

You might also like...